Star Trek vs Star Wars: Extra Stupid Edition
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Flare-Aoi
Summary: Complete! The crew of the Starship Enterprise goes out to eat at KFC, only to find Colonel Sanders missing. The idiotic Captain Picard and his crew must travel to the Star Wars Galaxy to get him back! Witness the stupidity of this classic crossover!
1. Chapter 1

**Story**: Star Trek vs Star Wars: Extra Stupid Edition  
**Author**: Master Jin Sonata  
**Written**: Originally September 2002, recreated August 2010  
**Genre**: Humor  
**Rating**: T (Language)  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own these two movie franchises or the fast food place either.

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**Author's Note**: This fic was one of the first ones I created for back in 2002 before it was deleted for being in chat-speak. Now I have resurrected this story from the grave and present it in a new updated version, guaranteed to lower your I.Q. a few points! Enjoy!

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**Chapter One: Where's the Chicken!**

At the KFC on planet Earth, the crew of the Starship Enterprise was enjoying a nice lunch at a local Kentucky Fried Chicken.

"**Now this is what I call good eating!"** said Captain Picard as he chows down rather rudely on his corn on the cob.

"**You said it. And these Southern Style biscuits taste better than the crap mom used to make when I was little,"** La Forge commented.

Out of nowhere, La Forge's mom appears out of nowhere, smacks him upside the head before leaving the scene.

"**That's the fifth time you got smacked by that woman today, Forge,"** Riker points out with a chuckle.

Data looks at his mashed potatoes dejectedly before looking up at the others. **"You people amaze me eating this food with its greasy texture and high levels of chole—" **he began to say.

"**Data, zip it,"** Picard responds, interrupting him mid-sentence.

"**I have to agree with him, Captain. How can you people eat this stuff?"** Worf questions him.

"**Easy, unlike you who gets a hangover from drinking tap water,"** Picard taunts.

Worf growls and returns to pick at his food in disgust.

"**Hey, what's taking so long? The waitress hasn't bought our order of the Colonel's Extra Crispy Chicken yet,"** Crusher points out.

"**You're absolutely right! I'm going to go complain,"** said Riker, standing up from his seat.

"**Ask them if they have any of those crunchy computer chips I like so much…"** Data asks.

Everyone glares at Data for making that comment.

"…**Shutting up now…"** Data said, holding his head down.

Riker approaches the counter and speaks to the female worker there.

"**Excuse me, miss, we've been waiting for 30 minutes for our food. What's the hold up?"** Riker asks.

"**The Colonel should already been finished frying some chicken alrea—"** the female worker answers…

**KABLAM!**

…when all of a sudden crashing noises can be heard from the back of the restaurant.

"**What's going on back there?"** Riker questions her.

Picard and the others run up to the counter upon hearing the massive explosion.

"**Now's not the time to be flirting with the ladies, Riker. Everyone, let's go investigate,"** Picard says as he and the rest of the crew head toward the back room.

"**I wasn't flirting you jackass…"** Riker mutters as he follows.

The crew arrives at the back of the restaurant, approaching Colonel Sander's office door.

"**This must be the door to the Colonel's office. I hear signs of struggle from inside,"** Data says as he puts his ear against the door.

"**Damn, its locked!"** Picard says as he pushes Data away and tries to turn the handle.

"**Don't worry, Colonel, I'll save you!"** Worf says as he steps up to the door and punches the door open with all his might, breaking his hand in the process.

"**Yeeeeeeowwwww!"** he yells out.

"**That was stupid, but it worked. Let's go!"** Crusher says, shaking her head as she and the others pile inside the office, readying their tasers.

Once inside, the Colonel's office was completely trashed, and an open window where the culprit could have escaped was on its opposite end.

"**Damn! We're too late!"** La Forge says.

"**Who would do such a thing? I want my chicken and I want it now!"** Picard says, whining like a little kid.

Everyone looks around the office for any signs of the kidnapper, when Riker notices a letter on the ground.

"**Hey, I found a ransom letter on the ground,"** he says, picking it up and reading it out loud.

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_**Dear fools,**_

_**I have kidnapped the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and you will never see him again. I will soon use him to open food chains all throughout the galaxy under my dark influence! Muahahaha….cough…hack…hurk…**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**A really evil son of a bitch.**_

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"**We must find the Colonel immediately, or we'll never be able to fully enjoy our lunch!"** Picard proclaims.

"**But where do we start looking? There are approximately 35,000 different galaxies in several universes. Certainly you are not going to search every one of them,"** Data points out.

**"Hey, what's this?"** Crusher says as she bends down to pick up an odd piece of metal off of the floor. **"Data, scan this, would you?"**

"**Why certainly,"** Data says as he scans the metal fragment using a small device. **"Why, this is a fragment from a foreign weapon called a Light Saber."**

"**Excellent. There is only one galaxy where they make these types of weapons, and that's…"** La Forge began to say, before being interrupted.

"**Disneyland?"** Picard says excitedly.

"**NO!"** everyone yells simultaneous.

"**It's from the Star Wars Galaxy,"** Worf corrects him. **"Come, let us be off to that galaxy."**

"**Hey, I'm the leader guy here; I say where we are going,"** Picard says, butting in.

"**Urrgh…fine…big baby…"** Worf sighs.

"**Everyone, to the Enterprise!"** Picard says valiantly.

**End of Chapter One**

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**Please review and stay tuned for future installments!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Warp Speed & Honey Buckets**

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Somewhere on the Starship Enterprise. Captain Picard stood outside the door to one of the rooms in the recreation sector.

**"Captain's log, star-date 112600 or something: We have a new mission. To seek out new life and civilization. To boldly go where no man has gone before,"** Picard states as he then steps into the Starship's Honey bucket.

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Meanwhile in the Bar Area, Guinan and Riker were having a conversation with one another.

**"So, we're on our way to the Star Wars Galaxy?"** Guinan asks.

**"That's right," **Riker responds. **"We are on the search for the one who is responsible for the kidnapping of the Kentucky Colonel himself."**

**"He's been kidnapped? Oh my,"** Guinan gasps.

**"You know him?" **Riker inquires.

**"Of course. We used to be married to each other," **Guinan says.

**"Among the other 20+ men you've divorced?" **Riker adds.

**"Yeah, it was short, but pleasant,"** Guinan says.

**"Interesting…So, what made you and the Colonel split up?" **Riker questions

**"He found out I was actually a man," **Guinan admits.

**"WHAT?"** Riker yelps as he then flees the scene in horror.

**"Darn. And he deemed worthy to be my mate too. I'll go hit on Worf for a while…" **Guinan said with a sigh.

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On the Ship's Bridge, Data, Crusher, and La Forge were doing some analysis on their destination.

**"From my calculations, it would take about 125 years to reach the other end of the Universe if we travel in constant Warp-Speed," **Data calculates.

**"Holy shit! We'll all be old and gray by the time we get there!"** La Forge said in disbelief.

**"Not to mention the Colonel would already be dead by then,"** Crusher adds.

**"Hey, Crusher, aren't you supposed to be taking care of Riker?" **La Forge asks her.

**"Oh yeah, that's right. He ran into a wall after running from the Bar area from what reason, I don't know. He seemed pretty spooked about something," **Crusher responds as she then leaves the bridge.

**"Can our engines be upgraded in any way to reduce the travel time?"** La Forge inquires.

**"The only way this ship can fly faster, is if it had the proper components of Forbidden Energy,"** Data explains.

**"What does it consist of?"** La Forge asks.

**"Well…"** Data said with apprehension.

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Back at the ship's Honey Bucket, Picard had just stepped out of the toilet.

**"Aahhhh, now I can command people around without carrying around any excess baggage," **Picard said with relief.

As Picard heads for the bridge, he doesn't notice Data and La Forge both lifting up the Honey Bucket and hauling it off to the engine room.

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**In The Engine Room…**

"Are you sure this stuff can get us to the S.W.G. in a jiffy?" La Forge asks.

**"Trust me; now help me throw this thing into the Plasma Generator," **Data instructs him.

The two dump the components of the H. Bucket into the engine. The Plasma Grids start glowing a bright green, causing the whole ship to start shaking.

**"Let's get the hell outta here!" **La Forge yells as he and Data flee from the room.

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**The Ship's Bridge…**

**"Worf, give me a status report,"** Picard commands.

(No answer)

**"Worf! Where are you?"** Picard demands

Worf emerges from the closet looking a bit disheveled. **"Oh, here I am, Caption. I was just, uh…having a private conversation Guinan… yeah…"**

**"…Right…"** Picard said.

**"Anyway, the ship seems to be reacting wildly to some disturbance coming from the engine room,"** Worf says.

**"Who's responsible for this?" **Picard demands.

La Forge and Data enter the bridge seconds later.

**"Good news sir, we can reach the S.W.G. in a matter of days," **Data informs Picard.

**"What did you do to the engine?" **he asks.

"We put the contents of the H. Bucket in there," La Forge answers.

**"You did WHAT? Do you know what I ate back at KFC? I had 5 helpings of Baked Beans!"** Picard says in a panic.

**"Uh oh, with the imbalance of chemicals and increased power of the beans, the ship's engine would certainly…"** Data says.

Before he could finish, the Enterprise immediately shot though space like a bullet. The ship continuously increased its speed to over 5,000,000 light-years a second, crashing through Mars, Jupiter, Pluto, and ET the Extra Terrestrial. The pressure of the sudden boosts of speed caused the members of the ship to be pressed against the walls like pancakes. Picard ended up crashing through the giant viewing screen and was thrown outside into space, but he caught on to one of the fins of the Enterprise and held on for his life. In no time flat, everyone reached the other side of the universe)

**"How…do….we...stop…this…crazy…thing…Data?"** La Forge says his voice muffled from the speed's pressure.

**"When…the…engine's…core…runs out…of…power…or…if…the…Enterprise…crashes…into…something!"** Data responds in sections.

As if on cue, the ship was coming near a gargantuan Sphere-shaped structure at unbearable speeds.

**"WE…ARE…GONNA…CRASH!"** Worf yells as everyone else does as well.

**End of Chapter 2**

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**Please review and stay tuned for future installments!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Dark Side of Hilarity**

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**KABLAM!**

The Enterprise crashed right into the sphere-shaped structure, blowing up a huge chunk of it in an instant. The ship then finally stopped. Picard climbs back onto the bridge from the outside, all scratched and burned.

**"Never, EVER, do that again!"** he yells at his crew-mates, especially the two who were responsible for tossing the Honey Bucket contents into the ship's energy generator.

**"Is everyone all right?"** Data asks.

**"I think so,"** La Forge responds.

**"Everyone, look!"** Worf points out to everyone.

An army of armored soldiers carrying huge guns soon boarded the ship and surrounded the crew. A figure wearing all black and sporting a black mask and a cape walked to the front and addressed the Captain.

**"Welcome to the Death Star, mortals. I am Darth Vader. What makes you think you can just willingly crash your ship on my territory?"** said the masked man, heavily breathing in between words.

**"Well, uh…"** Picard started, at a loss for words.

**"Silence! Men, lock them up and force them to do backbreaking manual labor!"** Darth Vader says to them, instructing his guards to take them all away to the brig.

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**Death Star Prison Yard**

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Later on, we find the members of the Enterprise are being forced into heavy labor punishment of breaking rocks in the Death Star's prison yard.

**"This is not what I expected to happen when we arrived in this universe!"** Worf grumbles as he hammers away at a large rock.

**"It seems my negotiating skills are a little rusty,"** Picard comments.

**"A little? Your little speech to that masked man gave us 25,000 years of imprisonment, dumbass,"** Riker shot back at him in frustration.

**"Man! Why the hell are we breaking rocks in such a technologically advanced space fortress anyway? We've been doing this for hours, and I'm about ready to drop any minute,"** La Forge whines.

**"Strange, I'm not tired at all,"** Data comments.

Picard then whacks Data upside the head with his sledgehammer for making that comment.

Just then, a whistle blows.

**"All right, slaves, its meal time. So get in the mess hall, now!"** said the warden of the rock yard.

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**Death Star Mess Hall**

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The heroes witness as the mess hall is filled with hundreds of imprisoned creatures and machines that resisted and or opposed the Empire. The heroes sit at their table and all stare at the slop called food on their plates.

**"What the hell kind of food is this? Looks like the garbage my grandma used to cook,"** La Forge said in a disgusted tone.

Out of nowhere, La Forge's granny appears in a lunch-lady outfit and slams his face in the plate of slop, then leaves.

**"So what's the plan on getting outta here?"** Crusher asks.

**"Well…"** Picard began to contemplate. **"First, we find a way out of the Prison Area. Second, see if the Colonel is on this ship. Third, get back to our own airship and repair it so we can make our escape."**

**"So you've decided that Colonel KFC might be somewhere within the Death Star?"** Data asks.

**"It's possible, but if you want to try to make your way up to the main stronghold facing against a gazillion security guards and droids, you go right ahead,"** Picard tells him.

**"Hate to admit it, but the captain is right. It's better to get out of here as a group and get more information about the whereabouts of the Colonel,"** Riker states.

**"Why not ask our local prison mates?"** Data asks next.

Everyone glares at Data as if he were crazy.

**"…I'll never understand humans…"** Data responds with a sigh.

**"Everyone huddle, I got a plan,"** Picard then tells his crew.

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**Please review and stay tuned for future installments!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: Folly In Escape**

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**The Death Star Bridge**

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"**This sudden turn of events is very pleasing. I will use the intruder's ship-warping technology and upgrade our own fleet. Then I will force the Colonel to open franchises across the galaxy!"** said a black-clothes man in a black helmet.

"**Indeed, Lord Darth Vader,"** said his aide who stood before him.

_**(Dun dun duuuuun!)**_

"**In the meantime, your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to find out why those…'Enterprisers', have attempted to launch an attack on us,"** Dath Vader commands his aide.

"**Yes, my Lord,"** the aide spoke.

"**And quit saying 'Lord', I'm not your savior,"** Darth Vader warns him.

"**Yes, my Lord,"** the aide spoke once again.

"**Grah!"** Darth Vader yells in frustration, pulling out a gun and shooting his assistant dead.

"**Idiot…I would have used my Light Saber…but its recharging along with my cell phone at the moment,"** he spoke to himself before pressing a button on the arm of his throne-like seat**. "R2-D2, clean up this mess immediately."**

There no response at all.

"**Blast it! Where is that stupid mechanical trashcan?"** Darth Vader growls, slamming his fist in annoyance.

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**Hallways of the Death Star**

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Meanwhile, R2-D2 was seen puttering down the hallways of the Death Star, when it suddenly stops in front what looked like the prison ward. Then suddenly, out of hid came the Enterpriser crew, who all un-stuffed themselves like clowns out of a tiny car.

"**Worst…escape…idea…EVER!"** Riker groaned in pain from being cramped up in that tiny machine. **"I'm never hiding out in the mess-hall's garbage can ever again!"**

"**I found it to be quite therapeutic**," Picard responds, stretching as it looked as he felt great while the others would readily disagree.

"**Where the heck are we?"** La Forge asks, looking about the area.

"**I think where in the holding sector for slaves and prisoners,"** Crusher responds.

"**Help! Let me out of here!"** called a voice not too far from them.

The Enterprise crew runs toward the voice of the man, and are shocked to find it to be Colonel Sanders.

"**OMG OMG it's really you! Can I get your autograph please**?" Picard pleads, pulling out a pen and pad out from his pocket.

"**We're here to save him you dumbass!"** Worf shot at the captain.

The crew makes a break-in into the Colonel's cell, freeing him from imprisonment.

"**You ladies and gentlemen are lifesavers, how can I repay you?"** the Colonel asks the whole group, thankful of them for saving him.

"**You can treat us to lunch once we get out of here, come on!"** Riker says to him.

"**Too late, here comes the enemy**!" Data speaks, pointing out the silhouettes approaching the hall.

"**I'll take care of this,"** Colonel Saunders says, pulling out a bucket of Original Recipe Chicken. He takes out a large chicken leg, and smears it on the floor, greasing up the walkway.

Just as he was finishing, Darth Vader and a group of Stormtroopers appeared ahead of them.

"**Oh no you don't! You will pay for your attempted escape. Get them!"** Darth Vader commands.

The group of soldiers charge in with their battle rifles ready…

**SLLLIIIIPPPPP…**

**WHAAAM!**

…when all of them, one by one, all slip on the greasy floor and fall onto the ground with a thud, creating a pileup that blocked Vader's access to them.

"**Now's our chance! Run!"** Crusher says.

The entire group makes a break for it through the Death Star, eventually finding a spare ship they could use to escape. Once boarded, they jet away from the massive space sphere to safety.

"**Fools! We will meet again…remember that!" Darth **Vader yells at them as they took off.

The Empire's temporary hold on the KFC franchise has ended.

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**A Week Later**

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Back at the KFC on planet Earth, the crew of the Starship Enterprise was enjoying a nice lunch at a local Kentucky Fried Chicken with Colonel Saunders at their side. He treats them all to a free meal for rescuing him from the hands of the Galactic Empire.

"**Now this is what I call good eating!"** said Captain Picard as he chows down rather rudely on his 8th corn on the cob like a pig.

"**Whoa slow down, Captain. Save some for us. And I still say these Southern Style biscuits taste better than the crap mom used to make when I was little,"** La Forge commented.

As you would expect, La Forge's mom appears out of nowhere, smacks him upside the head with a frying pan before leaving the scene for the final time.

"**You never learn, Forge,"** Riker points out with a chuckle. **"By the way…where's Data?"**

The whole crew looks up from their plates and then ate each other.

"**OH CRAP!"** they all yell in unison.

They had left Data back at the Death Star by accident.

"**Well, looks like it's time for another adventure!"** Picard said, standing up from his seat.

"**Greeaaat…"** everyone groans.

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**The End!**

**Thanks for reading this remake of my classic fic!  
Please review, and may the Eleven Herbs and Spices be with you!**


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